My impulses bring the relationship
to strobe-light flickers, and your
flares speak, “Who doesn’t love the occasional black out?”
I’m sorry that most of our time is
spent in a web of dead wires,
but isn’t electricity all the more precious
as a free and escaping spark?
I’ll let the pain jump from me to you
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Everything Gummy writes is a well-written extended metaphor.
I like it. I like it a lot. What I didn't like was the italicized line at the end. I thought it was rather melodramatic and I really disliked the feel of it. There are two ways I might change that:
1) Stick it back up there with the rest of the poem instead of separating it. Put a period at the end. Italics your choice.
2) Put it at the very beginning of the poem, separated, italics your choice. Either put a period at the end or don't capitalize the I. Things that have capitalization but not punctuation always look so bizarre.
Go you.
-Colleen
ah, I do love a good extended metaphor
In the instant I noticed that there was another line, italicized and separated, I became extremely wary. A gimmick like that could've ruined the simplicity of this piece. But nay,l you pulled it off well; and it echoes the understated beauty in these images. Work a bit on relatability, read from the reader's POV, etc.
Nice job.
~Ed
At first, I wasn't sure about this one but then I re-read it and I like it. Your imagery is pleasant and your message is strong. Things are better appreciated when they're not always there and I can see how that would relate to a relationship. You've managed to write a piece of romantic poetry without being cliche or expressing love as perfect so that's another plus.
I found the title very fitting actually and it made me smile to think that you managed to find a pretty good excuse to buy someone candles. Altogether, the poem is well written and I liked it so keep up the good work.
I love the theme of electricity. I'm curious as to how the title fits in though?
My favorite line was "...in a web of dead wires" the W sound is a good effect.
Very beautiful, it has nice imagery, and though I couldn't really feel much, I related to it, and the imagery and metaphors made up for everything.
The last line makes me think of how electricity travels. Lovely. Keep it up Gummy
A well written extended metaphor. Simple and effective, but too short to be anything but good.
Um... what?
I assume this is about a relationship, but I read it four times over and still don't get it. What am I missing??
I apologize for my idiocy.
Peace, love, chocolate.
Muffin